It has been a month since the start of the semester and since then, I’m lost. I have come to realized that I have made the wrong decision. I may have the right reason for staying here but unfortunately, I chose the wrong option to be able to fulfill that reason.

Call me stupid! Call me dumb! Call me whatever you want to. Just tell me why I always end up on making the wrong decisions. Hindi ba talaga ako marunong mag-desisyon?

I’m stressed and burned out. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

Gusto ko nang mag-trabaho. Gusto ko’ng magkaroon ng career. Gusto ko ng bagong buhay. Gusto kong umangat at umasenso. Gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko. Gusto kong magawa ang mga ito habang bata-bata pa ‘ko.

Hindi na ako bata at araw-araw lagi kong naiisip na pumapatak ang oras at tumatakbo ang panahon. Hindi ako hinihintay nito at iiwanan ako nito kung hindi ako kikilos. Wala itong pakialam sa akin.

Sa tatlong taon na inilagi ko rito ayaw kong isipin na walang nangyayari sa akin at walang kwenta ang tatlong taon na ‘yun. Maaaring sa tatlogn taong nagdaan ay wala akong inatupag kundi mag-aral ng German at maglingkod sa simbahan. Sa mga panahong iyon, lumago ang mental, emosyonal, sosyal at lalong higit ang ispiritwal na aspeto ng aking buhay. huwag na nating idamay ang lablayp at sekslayp sa usapan dahil zero ako pagdating doon. Sabihin na nating, “You can’t have everything!”

Apostolic duty, (Ano daw? Ano naman 'yun?) ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit ako napadpad dito. Nai-kwento ko na noon kung bakit ako napunta rito. Sumond lang ako sa agos dahil noong mga panahong iyon, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Naisip kong umuwi rin pagkaraan ng ilang buwan pero kinailangan kong manatili hanggang sa hindi na ako maka-hindi. Sabi ko noon, tatapusin ko lang ang World Youth Day pero pagkatapos noon, hindi ko na maiwan ang TROPA. Siguro naman kahit paano ay naging mabuting halimbawa at naging inspirasyon ako sa kanila. Dahil alam kong marami pang puedeng gawin para matuto sila at dahil ayaw ko rin namang iwanan ang mga namumuno sa grupo nang mag-isa, gusto kong magpatuloy. Pero kailangan ko ring isipin ang aking kapakanan. Hindi naman siguro masama ‘yun.

Siguro nga totoong you can’t have everything! Isinantabi ko noon ang mga bagay na gusting-gusto kong gawin. At nang dumating ako rito, nagawa ko silang muli. Dahil sa paging akitbo sa simbahan; kumanta, sumayaw, nagsulat at ang pinakahuli, umarte ako. Nagawa ko rin ulit na humawak ng pinsil at paglaruan ang mga kulay. Ito ang mga bagay na gusto kong ginagawa higit sa lahat dahil mas masaya ako at masarap ang pakiramdam habang ginagawa ko ang mga ito. Artista nga siguro ako.

Pero hindi naman ako kumikita rito. Kailangan kong humanap ng trabaho para mabuhay. Puede ko namang gawin ‘to kahit may trabaho ako. Can i do both so i can enjoy my life more?

Dalawang lingo na ang nagdaan magpasa ako ng resumé. Siguro kailangan kong palitan ang availability ko para mas makakuha nang mas malaking chance. Pero kung sakaling matatanggap ako roon, kailangan kong umalis ng Germany. Bagay na ayaw ko sanang gawin para hindi maiwan ang gawaing simbahan. Pero, you can’t have everything daw!

Sinabihan na ako ng mga kaibigan ko na kapag may alam silang job vacancy sa trabaho nila, sasabihan nila ako kaagad. Pero sana may makuha ako agad para matapos na. Kung dito ako makakakuha ng trabaho, mas mainam dahil hindi ko na iiwan ang TROPA.

Pero dahil sabi nga, “You can’t have everything!“, kailangan kong maniguro. Naisip ko na ring mag-apply na US visa gaya ng sabi ng tita ko. Kahit ayaw kong pumunta roon, tama na rin siguro ‘yun. Naisip ko ring sundan ang Daddy ko sa Rome kung sakaling maayos na niya ang papel niya.

Gusto kong gawing last options ang mga ‘yun kasi nga gusto ko pa rin ditong mag-stay. Naisip ko na rin na kagatin ang offer ng kaibigan naming na alagaan ang mga chikiting nila sa gabi. Makakakuha ako ng legal permit to stay tapos makaka-pag-part time pa ako sa araw. Pero tama nga ba ang desisyon na ‘yun kung gusto ko lang mag-stay dito? Madaming option ang nabuksan pero kailangan timbangin para malaman kung alin sa mga ito ang tama o mas mainam para sa akin.

Naguguluhan ako hindi lang dahil sa pagpili ng option pero dahil na rin sa escuela. I’m already frustrated kasi hindi ko maintindihan lahat. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa hindi ko maintindihan lahat ang langguage o dahil mahirap ang lesson lalo na ang Math at Programming o dahil sa wala na akong interes mag-aral uli. Malamang na ang sagot ay ang huli.

I have to partly blame myself, if not to put all the blame on myself. I should have dealt with this a long time ago. I should have made wiser decisions. I should have chosen to try the other options. Have I done so, I wouldn’t be having a hard time now. Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve! Sometimes, we have to learn from our mistakes. And I’m the master on that.

This has been a burden to me. I have been stressed lately. People already notice it on my face. Silent, I’m no longer as lively as I was before. I’m always thinking deeply, as my classmate has always noticed.

Sometimes, I wish there’s a rewind button for us to be able to make some changes in our lives or at least a pause or stop button. But they don’t exist.

I guess, “You really can’t have everything!"

*** I've talked to my friends about it. Although I haven't had any concrete idea what to do, it felt great that are people around you who are willing to help. One of my friends has asked me what I really like to do. That thought has made me think to rank the options depending on what I like to do the most. I'm slowly making steps to achieve my goal. I just hope it'd work.

There has not been a single time that I have thought of what to do with my life since I have put myself in this SHIT that I’m in to at the moment. I have already blamed myself for not making wiser decisions and for being laid back etc etc etc.

 

Yesterday, I didn’t go to school because I thought, I’d rather have some sleep and take a rest than further torture myself being in class. The only productive thing I did that day was to vacuum clean my place and iron my clothes.

If that is valid to be considered as one!

 

I have done my homework in English though.

 

That is after making long distance calls for hours with friends.

 

At least I was able to share what I’m feeling and it felt good talking to your friends whom you haven’t talked to for a long time.

 

I’m near to exhaustion! The thought of going to school is making me sick, the sight of the exercises in Math and Programming makes me throw up and every moment of my stay in the lectures squeezes my brain (with the exemption of Business English).

 

And all these are just leading to one thing… I have made the wrong decision!!!

 

Staying here for this long wasn’t my plan. Actually, being here isn’t my plan either. I just have to… to have some space and have a rest. I only planned on taking just one German language class. Just one single class and then I’d head back home. But I have to stay because my family went home, leaving me alone. Then, only my father went back here, so I thought that I should wait for my mom to return but she never did because she can’t fix her paper anymore. So, instead of coming back here she just stayed home with my sister.

 

In other words, I was stuck here! And for me to be able to stay here legally, I have to continue learning German and pretend that I want to study here.

 

I have kept myself busy, went to school to learn the language, did some jobs and joined the choir. I have enjoyed everything though. That was a great opportunity for me to fulfill my promise to join a choir and serve the church. Since then, I have dedicated much of my time in the church. When I was invited to join the youth in a retreat in Steyl, Netherlands, I have thought of soul searching. I have realized that it is about time to do so. I want to know myself more and discover what my purpose in life is.

 

A year before the WYD 2005, I attended a youth meeting in informing the Filipino-German youth about the upcoming event. That is the start of my service to the Youth Ministry. Together with the older youth, we have formed the core youth group that has lead to the creation of TROPA. We have made projects and activities that have mobilized the youth and we have been so successful with it.

 

Then I realized, That was the reason why I should come here and stay. There was a plan! And because of that, I have decided to stay and continue what we have started.

 

After every project, the drive to continue serving the ministry went stronger especially after two of the core group members left. One left for a job in Africa and the other for a business in Mindoro. I told myself that I wouldn’t leave them.

 

With the latest project we had, I have further developed my talents and skills. Aside from singing with the choir, dancing from time to time and writing for the newsletter, a new door has opened. We made a theater play. I was one of the writers and played the lead role, San Lorenro Ruiz. It was indeed a great experience for me, an enriching one.

 

And through this play, I have realized one more thing; the role was as if meant for me since a part of our lives is similar. We have to escape home. It was also a shocked for me to recall that my first Sunday mass here corresponded to his feast day, August 28, which is being celebrated by the Filipino community here every year. I even remembered going to Binondo church twice before leaving Manila in 2003. Was that just a mere coincidence?

 

Now, back to reality that I am facing.

 

If I drop out of school, it will affect my visa. But staying in school is burning me out.

 

So, I’m thinking of dropping subjects. I’m still in school but at least it won’t burn me out that much. I hope.

 

I’m thinking of not enrolling for the next semester but I’m afraid it would also affect my visa. Although my visa is valid until October next year, I’m afraid of being caught of not studying.

 

I have submitted an application for a job abroad. I don’t know when my application will be accepted or if it would be even accepted after all.

 

I’m hoping and praying of the possibility of having a job here. The chances are slim though.

 

When all else fail, I have to go back to Manila. Going to another country just to avoid the life awaiting me at home is, in my opinion, a poor excuse; although I would like to consider moving to another country. I’m still undecided with this one though.

 

I have stayed here for a good purpose. I have only chosen the wrong way on how to stay. Now I have to find a way, fast! On January, we already have to register for the next semester. If I’m going to gamble on my fate, that’s still a question!

 

I’m still hoping that I could be helped by friends to find a job here. Leaving the youth ministry, my friends, my life here, all the projects and activities we make is so hard for me. My heart has find rest in here and it’s just so difficult to turn my back on everything. But what could I do if fate wouldn’t permit me.

 

The job abroad that I have applied for would be my next choice. I’m still undecided with the other options. In the mean time, I still have to suffer with the remaining months in school. Damn! How could I be so stupid!

Currently feeling: stupid

This afternoon, I have deicided not to attend my Math lecture. Medyo tinatamad akong bumangon dahil medyo napuyat ako sa kaiisip tungkol sa sitwasyon ko. Besides, I don't want to torture myself by sitting in this class. Instead, I attended this German class, kahit late, to take this opportunity to improve my knowledge of the language. The schedule coinsides with my Math classes. That's one problem.

But beacuse I don't want to further torture myself, I have collected enough guts to go to the Councellors officce for advice. I have talked to her and shared to her my ordeal. (ganun na siya para sa akin!) She has told me that we are not obliged to take all the subjects and we can decide for ourselves. ('Yun naman pala eh!) The only disadvantage is that it would take us longer before we can finish the course. (Wala naman akong planong tapusin 'yan lecheng 'yan eh!) She has told me that I can continue attending classes and assess in the end if I am fit enough to take the final exams. (Bakit pa?) I can even choose which exams I want to take and register for the date. And even if I have registered for the final exam and before the exam week decided not to take it, it's also allowed. (Mag-e-exam pa ba 'ko?)

Now I'm no longer that much pressured! I can concentrate on certain subjects and have more time for myself to find other ways to extend my horizon. I guess that's final or at least I want to finalize it, I won't be taking Math, Programming & Operating System anymore.

In the meantime, I'll be improving my CV, submit it and hope that I could land a job sooner.

Haaaaayyyy...

P.S.

Hindi ko na rin pinasukan 'yung Operating System ngayon. Wala lang, tinatamad ako. Tutal kasama naman siya sa balak kong tanggalin eh. Kaya eto ako ngayon, nag-i-internet. Tapos, 'yung ibang classmates ko, maghihintay pa hanggang mamaya para sa Math tutorial class. Basta ako, pagod na akong maging masokista. Magpakahirap sila dun!

 

Currently feeling: nabunutan ng tinik

Kahit pa nagbawas na ako ng subjects, naiirita pa rin ako sa tuwing papasok sa school. Ewan ko ba, bwisit!

Ibang-iba ako sa kanila. Parang isa akong butil ng bigas sa isang tiklis ng patatas. Hindi lang patatas ang laman ng tiklis kaya hindi ako nag-iisa. Pero iba pa rin ang pakiramdam ko.

Hindi ito ang mundo ko. Isa akong alien sa isang ibang mundo at pinipilit ng alien na 'to na manatili rito kahit pa nahihirapan na siya.

I just hate being in school!

Guess I'm starting to rebel!

Harharharharhar

Sinimulan ito ni tibo na sinundan naman ni kesh. Ako naman ngayon at walang kokontra.

 

Sa isang charity party, nag-set up ng isang mini studio ang mag-asawang kaibigan namin na sina Gina and Gunter. Sinabihan ako ni gina na mag-pose at kukuhanan niya ako ng mga pictures. Ayaw ko sana pero hindi ko naiwasang magpakipot. Iyan ang kinalabasan.

At dahil nagandahan si Gunter sa kuha, sinabihan niya ako na bibigyan niya ako ng libreng A4 size basta hahayaan kong naka-display ang pictures ko sa table nila. Instant model ha! I bought the four pictures and had the A4 size free, plus he also sent me the files. Something he doesn't normally do. Salamat, Gina and Gunter.

Last Thursday, nagising ako nang mas maaga para pumasok pero tila ba may batobalani ang kama at hinatak ako patungo sa kanya at humiga ulit... natulog... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Kanina, nagising din ako nang maaga. Pero katulad ng nakasanayan, i-snooze ko muna ang alarm clock ko bago bumangon. Naka-ilang alarm 'to pero hindi pa rin ako bumabangon. Nakadikit pa rin ang likod ko sa kama. Ngayon, hindi lang batobalani ang dahilan. May superglue na at mas matindi pa sa Epoxy. Tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung ano ba ang gagaawin namin sa escuela ngayon. Sabi ko, lecture lang naman at uupo lang ako roon nang hindi nagsasalita at mayayamot lang dahil sa pagsasayang ng oras.

Kaya natulog na lang ako hanggang tangahali. Pagkagising, naisip kong basahin muna ang ilang pahina ng librong humigit kumulang dalawang taon ko nang binili ngunit hindi pa nababasa. Pagkatapos, kumain ako, naligo at lumayas na. Wala lang! Ayaw ko nang pumasok. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko.

Naisip ko na kapag hindi ko nakuha ang bakanteng posisyon dito sa Bonn na tip sa akin ng kaibigan ko, hihintayin ko na lang ang inaplayan ko sa ibang bansa sa Pinas. Opo! naisip ko nang umuwi na lang. Pero kung tama ang desisyon na 'yun o hindi, hindi ko alam. Basta ang alam ko, ayaw ko nang mag-aral. At kung hindi ako makakapag-stay dito nang hindi nag-aaral, hindi bale na lang.

Kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko, ano ang gagawin mo?

Pinasukan ko lang kanina ang Business English class ko, tapos hindi na ako pumasok sa mga sumunod na subjects. Naging ritual ko na yata 'to. Pero at least hindi lang ako ang hindi pumapasok. Marami kami!

Sari-sari kami ng dahilan kung bakit ayaw naming pumasok. Batsa ako, tinatamad na. Ayaw ko na talaga. 'Yung isang kaklase kong Egyptian, timatamad din kasi hindi naman maganda 'yung lectures namin. Halos wala kaming matutunan, dahil na rin sa language. Pero kahit naman 'yung mga kaklase naming German at foreigner na dito na pinanganak o lumaki, nahihirapan din eh. Hindi naman kasi magagaling 'yung mga professors, puro sila presentations at dakdak. Marami ang nagsasabi n'yan. Hindi lang ako. Pero ang pinagkaiba namin, sila kasi nag-aaral pa rin. Ako, ayaw ko na. Bwisit na ako. Marami sa mga kaklase ko ang hindi pumapasok dahil sa gagawa ng assignments, project, research o tinatamad lang.

Ewan! Wala rin akong balak kumuha ng exam. Tutal hindi naman ako babagsak kung hindi ako mag-re-register na kukuha ng exam eh. Pero nanggigigil na talaga ako!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!