when i introduced jane here in tabulas, i have recieved comments.

most of the people who gave comments are happy for me for having her.

everyone is also interested on seeing her.

but most of them do not know who she really is...

i can't help but to laugh at the comments. but it's not that i'm making fun of them. i simply enjoyed it!!!

so, i am pleased to present to you...

(jane)

Currently feeling: amused

You'd turn into a lone wolf! Like a lone wolf you
can coup perfectly well by yourself and do not
feel the need for others company. However like
a wolf you were once part of a pack and you can
tolerate and get along okay with people when
met with them. You are protective and loyal to
the close friends you have but, will always be
a true loner at heart


What animal would you turn into?
brought to you by Quizilla

i came across this website where they can give you your gothic name! i just find it cool! i'm not a goth. i like wearing black though.

the website is http://www.necroticobsession.com/gothname.html

my gothic name is...

toxic tears

Currently feeling: gothic

I woke up so late this morning. I got home at almost two from a meeting with my co-youth leaders. We’ll be proposing a project to the core group of the Filipino community this Thursday. And because most of us are busy with work, we are now on rush.

I’m still sleepy but I know I have to get up ‘coz I still have a lot of things to do. My pad is a big mess. Clothes need to be ironed are waiting and the papers from the last jugendtreffen (youth meeting) was still around waiting to be organized. I need to clean up. I don’t know if I’m just lazy or … whatever.

I’m tired of my life here. It’s as if I’m going nowhere. Or was it because I’m not doing anything? I didn’t enroll for the next German class because I don’t need it anyway on the course I’ll be taking because it’s in English. Besides, I need to save some money first. Studying here isn’t really my plan. Actually, being here isn’t on my plan either. The real story is…

I’ve passed an application in a university, almost a month ago. I’m still waiting for a reply from them. They still have to assess my credentials before I can be admitted and proceed on enrolling. Although I really don’t want to continue studying, I’m still hoping to get that chance. I don’t want to go home yet. I guess I’m just not ready yet. Perhaps it’s because I don’t know how to start there all over again. It is at least easier for me to start here because I don’t have a past to deal with.

But I’m not getting any younger. I’m already 25 and I haven’t achieved anything yet. I don’t have a career, not a job even. I’m a BUM. Well, not absolutely. But because I don’t have a real job, it almost feels like I am. I’m surviving but I think it’s not enough for me to live my life as I want it to be. Perhaps if there are better jobs in the country, I’ll go back home. But it’s not the case.

The youth group is my reason why I still want to stay. I want to help my friends in organizing the activities. If I don’t get my application approved, perhaps I’ll just stay until August, after WYD. And then perhaps, I’ll go back home?

I’m scared of my future there. It’s not because I think I won’t be having any there. I think it’s just quite difficult. Or am I just so scared because of what I’m hearing from friends. Most of my Philly friends tell me not go home. They added that I’m already abroad, so take the chance and live better. But they do not know how it is to live here. It is not so simple.

If there is a chance to have a work outside Germany, I might take it. But not until August!!!

Don’t you just hate it when your plans won’t work!?! You always have to change it and fit it well accordingly to the current situation to make it work!

I’m tired!

Sometimes, I just want to stop and rest but I have to keep moving.

Keep changing plans and make it work!

I’m exhausted!

I need a break!

Random thoughts!!! I’m not sure what’s happening to me. These are thoughts that bugging me these past days.

Is it because I need a friend, someone whom I can talk to and someone who’s willing to listen?

Or do I need to love (again) and be loved (hopefully)?

Or was it because I’ve been on a sex diet for toooooooo looooooooong!?!

I wonder why!?!

Currently feeling: thirsty

last saturday, a miss gay philippines germany was held here in bonn. six gays come from germany and the other two are from italy and netherlands. it was great and sooooo fun!!! bigay todo sa pag-project ang mga contestant at talagang feel na feel nila!!! i was with some of our youth group members and they are so makulit kaya lalong naging masaya. the guys from our group are shouting "mahal kita!!!" to the contestants kaya naman natatawa ang mga nanonood. some of the gals naman ay hindi makapaniwala kasi may boobs pa sa kanila ng mga bading. bwhehehehe. we had a really great time kasi may banda na nag-perform! at pinoy sila, huh! sila rin ang banda namin last christmas when we had our party. iba talaga kapag pinoy ang nasa stage talagang yuyugyog ang mga tao! at talagang enjoy!!! at siempre, pumorma ako!!! marami yatang tao kaya dapat, makikipagsabayan ako sa pa-gwapuhan. ako pa!?! pahuhuli!?! hindi yata!!! bwhehehe. i wore black. as in black pants and semi-fit striped black longed sleeves with matching coat. i tied my hair para neat tingnan. well... some people made me blush! ehem... ooppss! humble dapat ako! hehehe i met a blogspot blogger there. she's justice, from frankfurt, a blogger-friend of jang, a friend and co-youth coordinator. justice is also cool! nakipag-sayawan siya sa amin. unfortunately, she has to leave the next moring. how i wish may taga-germany din sa mga ka-tabulas ko! sige kami nang sige sa indakan nang gabing 'yun. tungga ako ng desperados kahit pa nasa dance floor habang may yosi sa isang kamay. pasaway eh, ano? tinanggal ko pa ang tali ng buhok ko para... wala lang. trip lang! hehe. kahit ano ang tugtog, sige lang ako, nag-swing, chacha, boogie, reggae, rnb... egal kahit ano, kahit hindi ako sanay, sige lang sa sayaw. nag-tri-trip na nga ako! niloloko ko 'yung vocalist ng band. she's cute kasi. hirit palagi ako ng "more!!!" kapag matatapos na ang set nila. sasabihin niya na rarampa na ang mga contestants pero sasabihin ko na"i want it now!!!" bwehehehehe. natatawa na lang siya, siguro naaalala niya ako from last christmas party. nangulit din kasi ako noon eh! habang nanonood kami ng program, panay pa rin ang pangungulit ko! ewan ko ba!? para akong nakawala sa kural anng mga sandaling 'yun! naalala ko na kakanta pa kami kinabukasan pero... sheißegal!!! 'yung contestant number five, kahawig ni angel aquino. i like angel aquino so much kaya naman nagandahan din ako sa bading na 'yun! habang rumarampa siya, sumigaw ako ng "take me home!!!" tawanan ang mga kasama ko. sinegundahan ko pa ng "i love you!" kaya lalong nagkulitan ang mga batang kasama ko! hehehe sadly, hindi nanalo si number five, pero okay lang. paki ko ba? naaliw lang ako sa kanya kasi nga kahawig niya si angel aquino. when the miss gay is being awarded, the consul of our country was the one who put the sach on her. i then shouted, "kiss!!!" the consul looked at me and aimed his hand as if a gun and then fired it. bwhehehehehe. pati si consul, kinulit ko! bwhehehehe. pero sport naman siya eh! he's actually so nice pati na ang wife niya. the whole family is totally friendly. kabiruan naman namin siya, kasama nga namin sila sa choir eh. 'yung wife niya ang nagtuturo sa amin at tenor si consul. when his mother-in-law was here, she also helped in teaching the altos. we are so blessed to have them. sabi nga ng mga tao rito, siya lang ang consul na naging malapit sa mga pinoy, pati na ang pamilya. kaya nga mahal na mahal sila ng mga tao rito. madaling araw na natapos ang party, nakisakay na lang ako kina jang dahil tutal sa tita ko ako matutulog na malapit lang sa kanila nakatira. alas-tres na yata ako nakauwi. may appointment pa ako bukas, kakanta kasi kami sa misa. buti nga, hindi na kami natuloy ng tita at tito ko sa holland, masama kasi ang weather. kapag nagkataon, bangenge ako sa puyat. late na ako sa run-through ng choir bago ang misa. pero timing pa rin kasi 'di pa nagsisimula. okay naman ang kanta. buti na lang hindi nawala ang boses ko sa kakasigaw last night. pentecost kasi kaya iba ang outfit namin, medyo fromal. actually, iyun din ang suot ko, nag-iba alng ako ng polo. i wore a white semi-fit long sleeved polo with a red neck tie. tinali ko ulit ang buhok ko. pangit kasi kapag nakalugay, naka-promal eh! after that, we went to the basketball championship. puro pinoy din ang kasali from germany, only one team came from another country, luxembourg. the team from germany won. we went there in formal clothes, kaya naman nakatingin sa amin ang ang mga tao. tanong nga sa'kin ng isang youth member namin, "kuya, saan ka pupunta?" bwhehehe. hindi naman talaga ako pupunta doon, kung hindi lang namin kailangang i-promote ang disco-for-a-cause namin next week, hindi talaga ako pupunta doon. uuwi na dapat ako, kaya lang niyaya kami na pumunta sa bahay ng isang co-choir member namin. wala lang, kainan lang. doon na ako inumaga. panay naman ang kanatahan namin na para banag mauubusan ng karaoke. beer naman ang ininom ko. alas-dos na kami umalis para sumakay ng tren, naghintay pa kami ng busy pagdating central station at pasado alas tres na ako nakauwi ng bahay. okay na sana kaya lang, maaga rin akong gumising ngayon kasi may trabaho ako ng apat na oras. wala pang tanghalian, blog na. akas-singko na at kumakalam na ang sikmura ko. uuwi na ako para sa bahay na lang kumain. nagkukuripot!!! bwhehehe

Currently feeling: tired

May is the fiesta month of the Philippines because most towns and barrios in the country celebrate their fiesta on this month. Almost everywhere is in fiesta mode! Colorful banderitas line the streets, stages are being set up, sports halls are filled with players and chanting crowd and the church is also decorated. It is the usual scenery during this month.

Perya’s are also part of the scene with their usual rides like carousel, ferry’s wheel, caterpillar etc. There are also bingguhan, color game and other little gambling games. That’s a very delighting scene for the kids and teens, with the lights and sounds and of course some flirts especially for the youth. Sidera’s sells almost anything near the church plaza or patio. Native articles as well as toys are on sale, a bargain shopping spree.

Fiestas also remind us of… what else… FOOD!!! Kare-kare, beef caldereta, lengua estofada, menudo, pastel, hamonado, morcon, relleno, embutido… burp! Ooppss! Hehehe. These are just a few of my favorites that we normally cook for the fiesta. We also have some sea foods like oysters, crabs, mussels, tilapia, bangus etc. Of course, hindi mawawala ang dessert tulad ng halayang ube, leche flan, buko o fruit salad, buko pandan, matamis na beans at garvanzos, suman, cassava cake, biko, sapin-sapin, tibok-tibok, cuchinta, puto at kung anu-ano pang mga pampa-diabetes.

Haaay!!! Nakaka-miss ang fiesta sa atin. Dalawang fiesta na ang nagdaan sa bayan namin at talaga namang nakakalungkot na wala ako roon kasi masaya ang fiesta sa amin. Iba kasi ang fiesta sa Obando!!!

Since we can’t be there to celebrate it, I’ll just tell you the story of our well-known tradition. Para na rin kayong naki-fiesta total I’ve already described what’s the fiesta like along with our handa! Sana nabusog kayo! Bwhehehehehe

I have researched about this a few years ago and the data I’ve gathered is not with me. I know the story by heart but some info might be quite inaccurate. So, please bear with that.

Obando is founded more or less about 450 years ago and is named after the governor-general of the Philippines at that time. The town used to be a part of Polo, the city now known to be Valenzuela, and this town is used to be part of Meycauayan, Bulacan.

Before the name Obando was given to the town, it is used to be known as Katangalan. The name came from the word “tangal” a type of mangrove that used to be abundant in that place.

The tradition of “Dancing in the Streets” dates back centuries ago, earlier than Dr. Jose P. Rizal’s novel, “Noli me Tangere”, where it is said that Maria Clara thought that she is a product of the miracle of the town.

Actually, the tradition is pagan in origin. It has been practiced by the locals even before Christianity came to the country. A “Katalonan”, priestess, heads the ceremony at the house of the datu for the barren. It was said that they danced while praying to conceive a child in front of a pagan image as the people play ethnic instruments. This ceremony was called “Kasilonawan”.

When the Spaniards came, they baptized the locals but the old tradition was still practiced. So, when they built a chapel for Sta. Clara in the place, the people of Katangalan regarded her as a patron for the barren different to the Spanish tradition of her being a patron of good weather. Clara was associated with “claro” or clear skies and the “claro” of the egg (egg white). That’s the reason why people offer eggs to Sta. Clara.

In an attempt to cover the pagan origin, the priests have built another chapel and placed another patron, San Pascual Baylon. “Baylon” has been associated with the Spanish word “bailar” which means dance. They have also made it official that San Pascual is the patron saint of childless women; a complete attempt of cover up.

The attempt was almost perfect but the people have made Sta. Clara more famous with the song:

Sta. Clarang pinung-pino,

Pangako ko ay ganito;

Pagdating ko sa Obando

Magsasayaw ako ng Pandango.

Or the version that is more popularly known:

Sta. Clarang pinung-pino,

Kami po ay bigyan n’yo

Ng anak ng labing-tatlo.

Kami po ay dinggin n’yo.

It is said that the motion of the hips from left to right makes the Holy Spirit get in to the ovaries and make the eggs fertile. So, shake your bon-bons!!!

So there goes the story; a new town with two patrons, two days of fiesta and a cover up. Many couples go to Obando every May to dance and wish for a child. All of them hoping and believing that a miracle will happen. Miracles indeed happen in Obando and one of them is the addition of another patron, Nuestra Señora de Salambao.

According to accounts, two fishermen are fishing one early morning in a river between Obando and Malabon. They are already hopeless because it is almost sunrise but their catch is still not enough. They prayed and then put their “salambao”, a net tied into bamboos, into the water one last time. When they are lifting the salambao, they are shocked because they cannot lift it. It’s so heavy. They tried to lift it harder and were amazed to see a great amount of catch together with an image of the Virgin Mary.

They have decided to sell their catch and bring the image to Malabon, but they can’t move their boat. They have tried to go to the other direction and they are so surprised that they were able to move without great effort on paddling. They have realized that the virgin perhaps like to go to Obando. Since then, the “Triumvirate of Miracle” in Obando was formed and that’s the reason why the town celebrates a three day fiesta.

May 17 is offered to San Pascual, the patron saint of the spouse seekers; May 18 is for Sta. Clara, patroness of the childless and May 19 is for Nuestra Señora de Salambao, the patroness of fishermen. These are different from the church documents. It has been strict that San Pascual is the patron of the childless and Sta. Clara for the pregnant mothers, but the people doesn’t consider that.

Due to the pagan roots of the tradition, it was rumored that the Archbishop of Manila that ruled before the 70’s has banned the tradition. It is also perhaps because the people are very much devoted to Sta. Clara as the patroness of the childless, contradicting what the church is teaching; or should I say covering up!?

But the “Romeria”, pilgrimage, has never stopped. Romeros y romeras dance the streets and prayed that the patrons grant their wishes. So, Msgr. Rome Fernandez, the parish priest of Obando during the 70’s and 80’s has brought the tradition back to life! He gathered the people of the town and grouped them to participate in the annual celebration of the fiesta. The dancers were asked to wear traditional clothing and since then made a “panata”. Some of them are still dancing up to this day; white haired and grown old but still shaking their booty.

Many ask if the wishes of the childless couples have ever been granted. Well, there are accounts that they have been gifted with a child, in one way or another. The officemate of my uncle was offered to adopt a child after he and his wife danced in Obando. A priest that was assigned in Tondo was said to be a gift from the fertility dance, it was also said that he has a big resemblance from the image of San Pascual. A woman I met here in Germany told me that she knew of a couple who was granted a child after dancing there.

I recalled that comedienne, Giselle Sanchez, together with Rayan Agoncillo, went to Obando to make a report for Talk TV. She and Ryan even asked my cousin's permission if they can come in to our house dahil baka magka-gulo ang mga tao kapag nakita silang nasa tabi lang ng kalsada. When the people saw them, dinumog ang gate namin, akala ko nga magigiba! They went upstairs and just waved to the crowds from our terrace. Anyways, Giselle has said that she prayed to concieve a child in which was answered.

 

There are more accounts to the miracle. Most of them can be heard directly from the people dancing there because it has been a panata to some of them to dance every year as a sign of thanks to the granted wishes.

I make it a point to participate and dance at least once a year in the fiesta. I don’t wear traditional clothing, I just simply join the procession together with my friends to dance and have fun. I guess that’s the great thing about it, you are permitted to join the procession and dance. You don’t just stand and watch like the other fiesta processions. And I swear it is so much fun!!! The musiko or bands doesn’t only play traditional songs, they also play modern ones to lure the younger crowd to join the tradition.

Who can’t miss that extravagance!?! Today is the last day of the fiesta and I know the spirit is so much alive there. How I wish I’m able to join the fun.

I swear, when I got home, I’ll surely dance and perhaps if I have the courage, I’ll wear something Filipino and be like the others. Siguro, sasabayan ko na rin ng wish. Hehehe. Alam n’yo na siguro kung kanino muna ako hihiling? Hehehehe.

Currently feeling: festive

yesterday, i recieved a call from the lawyer that's fixing my mom's papers and he told me that my mom can now be able to go back here.  after a year of waiting, she can finally go back here. the date isn't known yet since she still have to do th usual processing of papers.

then this morning, i recieved a letter from the university that i'm applying to. my application was rejected because my credentials are not enough to be able to take a master's degree. sigh.

i'm in a low mode now! i have to restructure and redraw my plans. i have to have plan b and c. it's disappointing.

i don't know how to start!

i don't know exactly what to do!  

my residence permit will last only until july. i was told that i can still extend it though, provided that the result of my application isn't there yet. well, i can lie and still have an extention until august. just perfect for the world youth day.

i surfed the net to search for more chances and i found a school teaching english courses. it's not a problem to pay for the tuition fee, although it's high, the requirements is the problem. my course isn't closely realated to the courses offered. sigh.  

if by any chance that my mom arrived before august and i found a school, i'll stay but i guess i would move a live on my own, independently. it's not that i don't like to live with her. i guess i'm just no longer used to on living with anybody. nasanay na akong mag-isa. masikip na ang mundo kapag may kasma ako sa bahay.

if won't be able to find a school and my mom won't be here before august,t hat would be a disaster. mahirap 'yun kasi may mga gamit kaming maiiwan dito. i hope that won't happen.

if my mom will be here and i found a job here or abroad, that would be great!!! the greatest thing that would ever happen to me! sigh!

if i can't find a job or a school, i might as well go back home...

but i'm thinking of what i'm going to do there. wala naman akong ipon, may naitabi ako pero 'di sapat 'yun! 'pag umuwi ako sa 'pinas, kailangan ko agad na makakuha ng trabaho. i'll be starting all over again. ano ba naman 'to? bakit parang lalong humihirap?

napaisip ako. kung ganun nga ang mangyayari, alam ko na kung bakit ako napadpad dito... kailangan ko lang na tumulong para i-mobilized ang filipino youth dito. 'yun na! at 'pag tapos n'un, mission accomplished na akong uuwi sa 'pinas.

kung iyon nga ang dahilan, my stay here is not a waste! it is simply a nurturing experience for me. madami akong natutunan at madami rin naman akong nai-ambag sa filipino community dito. 'yun nga lang, nakakalungkot iwanan ang mga kaibigan mong nakilala, ang samahan mong nasamahan, ang lahat! sa tuwing nagtatawanan kami ng mga kaibigan ko rito, napapaisip ako kung hanggang kailan ang tawanan namin. alam kong panndalian lang ang paglagi ko rito at darating ang oras na kailangang umalis. aalis na ang isa sa mga youth leaders namin, pianista pa man din ng youth choir. malilipat kasi siya sa ibang bansa dahil sa trabaho. ako kaya ang susunod na aalis?

hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang mangyayari. hindi ko hawak ang bukas. whatever tomorrow brings, i know that it would be for my own good! although it may give some pain, i have to face it and try to start to move on. in the mean time, i just have to find another way to be able to stay and there are still work to be done for my mission here.

if ever i'll be coming back home, i'll head on to the east with a smile on my face and hold my head up high.

perhaps going east is the way!

perhaps facing the rising sun is the future!

i don't hold the future but i can adapt myself to whatever i may bring.

Currently feeling: mellow

yesterday night, we gave a despedida for a co-choir member. he'll be flying back home on weekend. he'll be a lost kasi soloist namin siya at siya rin ang tumatayong assistant leader namin, but he has to leave. may pamilya siya sa 'pinas at kailangan na niyang umuwi.

habang binibigyan siya ng recognition, napaisip ako. nalungkot, hindi dahil aalis pero dahil baka ako ang sumunod! naisip ko na baka wala akong magawa para makapag-stay at mag-desisyong umuwi na rin.

sabi nga ng pari namin, "the problem with hello... is goodbye!" he also added na, "panandalian lang ang pananatili natin dito at ito ay may hangganan."

lalo akong nalungkot pero sa likod ng kalungkutang 'yun ay may tuwa kasi marami akong natutunan at naging kaibigan. marami akong naging kadamay at naging masaya at makabuluhan ang pamamalagi ko dito.

pero sa tingin ko, ang mas nananaig sa akin ay takot o kaba. hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin pagbalik ko. may makikita ba akong trabaho na matino? paano ko haharapin ang hirap ng buhay? nasanay na ako dito, paano ako mag-a-adjust?

naisip ko na ring umuwi kasi hindi ko rin magamit ang pinag-aralan ko sa 'pinas dito. hindi rin naman ako makakuha ng matino at permanenteng trabaho.

nag-aalala rin ako kasi twenty-five na ako. maraming nagsasabi na bata pa ako. pero mas matanda naman sila sa akin kaya nila nasasabi 'yun! hindi nila naiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. kailangan kong mag-trabaho para may masimulan na akong career. feeling ko masyado nang mabagal ang takbo ng buhay ko. napag-iiwanan na ako!

hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung ano ang susunod na gagawin ko. pero hinahanda ko na rin ang sarili ko kung sakali mang dapat akong bumalik. bahala na!

Currently feeling: puzzled

i met with my syrian friend, juan, yesterday. he was a former classmate from my german class. we haven't seen each other for, i think, more than two months. nalagyan ng virus ang handy niya at hindi na ito nagamit. totoo pala ang virus sa handy. may tumawag lang daw sa kanya and then wala nang network na masagap ang handy niya. ganun din ang na-recieve kong mga e-mails na hindi ko pinansin. akala ko kasi hindi totoo.

anyways, we just went to the uni lawn. kapag mainit kasi ang panahon ay maraming nagbibilad na mga tao, most especially students, sa may lawn na kung titingnan mo ay para silang barbeque na iniihaw sa init ng araw. sa ganda ng tanawin ay mapapapili ka kung ano ang gusto mo, para nang barbeque sa grill, sobrang puputi nga lang.

we bought a falafel and sofdrink. falafel is like a hamburger and it's either eaten with bread or put it in a wrap like shawarma or döner as it is called here. we ate it like shawarma.

we talked about what had happened with our lives during those months we haven't saw each other. i told him about my plans and he said that i should leave the philippines alone. natawa ako! ayusin ko raw lahat ng mga papers ko dahil mas mainam na dito ako mamalagi. pinaalala nga niya 'yung time nang siya ang nahihirapan sa pag-aayos ng papel sa school. ako kasi ang nag-advice sa kanya kung ano ang dapat niyang gawin. he told me that i shouldn't lose hope because i can solve it.

well, at least i had some boost! pero hindi ganoong kadali 'yun. i still have to make a plan para masigurong maayos ang lahat. sigh. i'll start doing it next week. i hope it'll turn out right!

wish me luck!!!

Currently feeling: worried

Should you even give a damn to someone who seems not to exist???
 
It will be your birthday next week and I’m having second thoughts on calling or even sending you a message via text or e-mail. My original plan is to communicate with you on that day but I think it is already unnecessary.
 
Your always said that you value our friendship and that I mean so much to you. You even told me that I am special and so that makes our friendship special as well. But I cannot see what you're talking about. It seems to me that it just came out of your mouth and you never meant a word.
 
I’m always telling myself to move on and start forgetting you. Your're no longer that one I met six years ago. Your are no longer the person I fell in love with.
 
When my roaming sim was temporarily cut off last December, you've stopped sending text messages to me. Even if you know the number of my German sim, you never tried to send or even give a ring. A message will only cost you fifteen pesos and a ring will not debit your account. Is that how much our friendship costs to you? Where is that special thing you're talking about?
 
I’m not asking you to repay me on whatever!!! The only thing I’m asking from you is to be the friend you used to be. But I guess the friend that I used to have has already left me… some years ago.
 
I have a lot of fond memories of that friendship! That’s one reason why I just can’t let you go, besides of my feelings for you. It’s just hard to accept that such a friendship has already ended.
 
We understood each other no matter what the situations were. We always used to hang out, go out and have fun together. We were good friends… special friends… more than friends!
 
I don’t know what was wrong with us. We always had those petty fights that would make us separate and then eventually meet again as if nothing had happened. But those silent times went from bad to worst and, perhaps, worse.
 
The worse part, I guess, is the time we last saw each other. We were in Manila, somewhere near Robinson’s Place, when we decided to go on our own separate ways, literally. I accompanied you to St. Claire in Q.C. and I recalled that I was even got angry at you because that morning you woke up late. I was already at our meeting place while you have just got up in bed. I actually, wanted to cancel it but I chose to wait.
 
Finally, you showed up and apologized to me for a hundred times. You even made lambing while we are on the bus. Ewan ko ba, lagi mo na lang akong nakukuha sa mga lambing mo!!! Taenang hina ko talaga!
 
After Q.C., we went to your sister-in-law’s office to get something and then went to another office where you are fixing some papers. And then, I offered you to go and watch a movie with me but you declined and told me that you want to go home. I tried to persuade you but you told me that I can go on myself and you’ll go home alone.
 
And that was the decision we came up with. I stayed there and went to watch a movie and then you went home. I didn’t bother to wait for you to have a ride. I literally let you go as I went my way, I never looked back. I don’t know if you looked back at me. We just went on our separate ways.
 
I have seen how our paths crossed from the first time we met on to the times that we argued that made us cut our ties. I also saw how we tried to tie the paths again that were cut off until that last time, in Manila.
 
We, literally and figuratively, went on our lives. I know that our paths will eventually cross again. I just don’t know how, when, where and why it should cross again…
 
I was right; I received an e-mail mid last year. You told me that you worked for a luxury ship in the Caribbean. I actually heard about it from a common friend but I don’t exactly know what your work was and where. I had second thoughts on answering the mail but I eventually did answer it and we started communicating again until last December.
 
After that, hindi na ako nag-text o tumawag sa'yo. Nag-e-mail ka sa akin at sinabi kong busy ako kahit pa may oras ako para tawagan ka, hindi ko ginagawa. Bakit ba ako gagastos sa taong hindi makagastos ng fifteen pesos??? Hehehe. Mababaw mang tingnan, malalim naman ang pinag-ugatan.
 
The last time I heard from you was from an e-mail telling me that you lost your handy then your wallet, in two separate occasions. The third thing that you almost lost is your life when you almost got drowned on a beach. Well, that’s according to you. I don’t know if I should believe you. Perhaps you're just making it out for me to call or perhaps, just perhaps… you've lost my trust. Ever since, I have never tried to call you; not even send you a message; even though you've posted your new number on friendster.
 
I may not, perhaps, be content with what’s happening in my life; I may not be really happy; you may still be running on my mind; I may still be loving you; but I don’t think that it is still worth it.
 
As I’ve said, I think I’ve already lost the friend I used to have long ago. Hindi bale na! You don't deserve me anyways. Pero nanghihinayang ako, hindi dahil hindi tayo mag-kaayos. Nanghihinayang ako sa pinagsamahan natin.
 
I still care for you no matter what we had gone through and I know that I still love you. Honestly, I miss your head resting on my shoulder… I miss your hand holding mine…  I still can’t forget how we kissed… the way we wrapped ourselves under each others’ arms…
 
It’s not the sex that I miss. I know what we had is real, at least on the first two years. And it has ended… and I am left here going back and forth.
 
Perhaps someday, we’ll see each other again; perhaps not.
 
I don’t know if the pattern will stay.
 
I’m not sure.
 

Currently feeling: tired