the other day, i was in a bus going to my friends house. in a street going there, i saw these row of trees with their leaves starting to turn brown... drying...

oh! my...

the next day while i was in a train, looking at the window, i saw these trees with their leaves turning yellow...

oh! my...

napalingon ako sa ibang puno. siyet! 'yung iba medyo violet na, 'yung iba red na at mayroon pang light green.

how could it be!?!

medyo lumalamig na ang simoy ng hangin.
naglalaglagan na ang mga dahon.
walang anu-ano'y didilim na ang kalangitan
at magmimistulang malungkot na pangitain.

autumn in bonn na naman ako...

Currently listening to: malamig ang simoy ng hangin
Currently feeling: shock

the day after i posted my entry entitled "early autumn", biglang uminit at tumaas ang grado ng temperatura; puera sa madaling araw at gabi dahil malamig na. gusto yata akong ipahiya ni mader neychur.

at least, masasaya na naman ang mood ng tao dito. ganoon kasi rito; basta maganda ang panahon, maganda rin ang mood ng mga tao.

so, i still have the time to enjoy the sun...

Currently listening to: walking on sunshine
Currently feeling: sunny

last thursday, pinilit akong sumama ng mga co-choir members ko patungong berlin para kumanta, kumain at makisaya sa kasal ng kaibigan nilang pinoy. ayoko sana kaya lang tinawagan din ako ng daddy ko para na rin magkita kami. uy! miss ako ni itay. ilang linggo na kasi kaming hindi nagkikita eh.

mahaba ang viaje kaya ayoko kaya lang... sige na nga. it will take us about 6 hours to travel from bonn, the city where i live in, going to berlin. it's distance is about 598 km. masakit sa puwet 'yun pero okay lang.

umalis kami ng past eight at narating namin ang capital ng quarter to two. napaluha nga si itay nang makita ako. jowks! hehehe.

late na kaming nagising dahil sa puyat at pagod kaya nagmadali kami nang umaga kasi we need to be at the church by 12 noon para magprakits ng mga kanta. hindi masaya 'yun.

while the wedding ceremony is taking place, tahimik lang ako. i feel a bit low. could it be that i am envious of the couple? i don't exactly know why i felt that way. but one thing is for sure... i can't see myself getting married.

at the reception, i was still silent. i didn't talked that much. i never ate much either. and when it is time for the bachelors to catch the garter, i refuse to join in even if they are asking me to. i told them, as i always say, "ich will nicht heiraten!" (i don't want to get married!)

when it is time to hit the dance floor... aba! nakigulo na 'ko. tama na ang drama. mag-otso-otso naman ako. ang kulit namin, ang saya-saya. nakakatuwa nga kasi marunong mag-spaghetti at otso-otso ang mga bata kahit pa doon sila lumaki. alam nila ang uso sa 'pinas.

after the party, hindi pa kami umuwi. nagligpit kami! opo! nagligpit! ganito naman dito usually, tulung-tulong ang pinoy tuwing may handaan, parang probinsiya ba. mahal kasi ang renta sa hall na ginamit at mahal pa kung may service kaya tulung-tulong na lang. kahit nga sa pagkain, toka-toka. nahal kung papaluto ka, hindi pa masarap.

okay di ba? pinoy na pinoy ang dating!

the next day, sunday, late na ulit kaming nagising. wala na nga kaming time para mamasyal pa kasi gagabihin kami. kung wala nga lang akong inaalalang pasok kinabukasan nagpaiwan na ako.

dumaan na lang kami ng dunkin' donuts bago umuwi. wala kasing dunkin' sa bonn kaya para kaming ngayon lang nakakain. panay nga ang tingin sa amin ng mag-asawang german na nagkakape kasi tig-i-isang box kaming lahat.

eto ako ngayon, balik sa bonn. ine-enjoy ang late summer...

Currently listening to: angel of berlin
Currently reading: berlin city guide (hindi ko nagamit)
Currently feeling: bitin

You are a Dark Mask, the fourth class of vampire.
You can adapt easily to any climate and
situation. Your servants are few, mostly
because you choose not to sire others. Your
chief ability is shiftery-- you can become
anyone or anything. Overall, you are a great
person. Keep us guessing.


What class of vampire are you? (more new images!)
brought to you by Quizilla

kahapon, down ang tabulas kaya hindi ako nakapag-post. kainis! nahawa na ang buong araw ko. gusto kong may makausap sa phone kaya lang wala namang available. nag-text ako sa mga kaibigan ko sa 'pinas kaya lang isa lang ang nag-reply, late pa. hindi ko tuloy nabasa kasi i made myself busy...

* inurong ko ang mga naka-stock sa lababo ko.

* inayos ko ang fridge at freezer na puno ng pag-kain. (tinatamad kasi ankong mag-luto kaya puno)

* nagsalang ako ng mga maruming damit sa washing machine.

* inayos ang kabinet na puro delata, alak, at gamit.

* nagtapon ng papel, plastik at mga sirang pag-kain.

* nagluto ng longanisa at saka kumain.

kinagabihan, napag-tripan kong kumain ng chesse flavored popcorn. isinalang ko sa microwave at naupo habang nanonood ng tv. narinig kong tumunog ang microwave kaya tinungo ang kusina. paksiyet! puno ng usok ang kusina. halos hindi ako makahinga kaya binuksan ko ang bintana at pintuan para lumabas ang usok.

nasunog ang popcorn ko.

buti na lang hindi nag-pop ang microwave.

buti na lang walang alarm ang bahay.

buti na lang walang nangyaring mas masama.

hindi ko alam kung gumagana pa ang microwave ko.

'yan ang napapala ng mga hindi nagbabasa ng intructions.

Currently listening to: any pop song
Currently reading: how 2 cook popcorm w/o burning
Currently feeling: tanga

para kay adoinis estrada 'tong pic na 'to. this was taken by me last year. this is just near where i live. wala pa akong recent pics ng autumn kasi mukha pa ring summer ang paligid. ilan pa lang ang mga trees na nalalagas.
[img:382142]

last saturday, in an engagement party of our friend, binalitaan ako ng isa ko pang friend na may job vacancy sa office nila. ito ang target ko, fyi. saka ko na sasabihin kung ano'ng office 'to.

ito ang matagal ko nang pinagdarasal,

hiniling ko sa wishing well,

hiniling sa shooting star,

at pinagmakaawaan.

so, to whom it may concern, please wish me the best. better yet, wish me to have that job. pramis! treat ko kayo! bahala na kung paano. basta please!

chucks with flames


what color chucks are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

last saturday, may uncle and aunt tag me along to belgium. we went to visit the aunt of my uncle. belgium is a nice place. it isn't my first time there but i still haven't gone around the country. i just shopped there at a factory outlet the first time.

we went to a restaurant to meet my uncles cousin and his wife. while at the restaurant, i was so silent. they were speaking in french i have no clue what they are talking about. i can't even read the menu. i think i also have to learn some french.

the following day, sunday, i met a friend of us at the church. he has asked me about the job i am applying for. i told him that i wasn't being called yet. he then advised me to accept the job opportunities abroad. most of the jobs are for africa that's why i am hesitant. i am still undecided whether to grab it or wait for a job here in germany.

tomorrow, will be the start of school for me. i am partly excited 'coz i'll be having new classroom, teachers and classmates. and i hope that there would be prospects. i mean, someone whom i could go out with. i should also live.

Currently reading: german grammar
Currently feeling: hopeful

it's the first day of school after summer vacation. i'm already in "grundstufe 3", third grade of my german course. this grade involves a lot of grammar. kaya tipong madugo na naman.

this morning i woke up just in time to prepare. 'just had coffee and waffles then went to school. as i am on my way, i felt a bit nervous and at the same time excited. i'll be meeting new teachers, classmates and a better school building to top it.

i am looking forward in this clas 'coz i'll be having classmates closer to my age. my classmates from the last class are quite older and are all married. the only friend i had was someone from jordan. i don't know where the hell is he right now. he's not replying to my messages.

my teacher doesn't look like a teacher. she's dressed jologs. but in fairness, she's nice. (bumawi ba?)

we are 14 in the class. only 11 showed up today though. my classmates are... hanae from japan, dana from macedonia, kajana from thailand, anna from vietnam, farrah from the philippines, angelina from ukraine, minsook from south korea, juan from syria, endri from albania and christian from bolivia. we have yet to meet the other three.

napalaban na naman ang german ko. nakayanan ko naman. they are nice. it is still boring 'coz we still do not know each other. but perhaps later, lalabas na rin ang mga kalokohan at sungay namin.

i'm hoping to have better friends from my class and have more fun.

Currently listening to: getting to know you
Currently reading: german-english dictionary
Currently feeling: cheerful

today is my second day in school. i'm still not enthusiastic about it. i'm still making friends but i think it would be quite hard.

i sat beside, juan, my classmate from syria. he has been quite nice on the first day kaya tinabihan ko siya. okay naman kaya lang parang wala kaming common interests.
the other guy from albania, endri, is quite distant. hindi siya gaanong nakikipag-mingle. he is also nice though.

during our break, juan asked me where he could buy our books. i told him where the bookstore is. apparently, he doesn't know where it is located so i told him i can go with him to buy the books. he then ask me if i want to join him on lunch after class. i said yes.

after our class, we asked endri to join us for lunch but he declined. he's going somewhere else. he walked with us though, on the way to the university cafeteria. we never talked in english while walking. it was quite boring. endri left us and we walked further to the cafeteria.

we aren't students from the university but we can eat at the cafeteria. i never ate there since i am always alone. it was my first time to eat there. i saved a lot. i only paid € 2.50 for a little bowl of salad, coke and a plate of mixed egg and potatoes.

as we were eating there, i felt like i was still a college student. naalala ko tuloy ang buhay estudyante. it was so easy then. life has become quite complicated since i graduated. sigh.

Currently feeling: bored

nang maghiwalay kami ni juan kahapon, naawa ako sa kanya. nagsisimula na kasing umulan at magba-bike lang siya. 20 minutes din ang bubunuin niya. (okay naman daw siya kasi nasa bahay na siya nang bumuhos ang ulan. sabi niya kaninang umaga.)

i stayed in the city. naglakad-lakad at tumingin-tingin. nagjajanap kasi akong ng magandang pullover at jacket. gusto ko kasing pumorma. hehehe. puro prospect lang ang nakita ko. wala akong nabili. sa susunod na lang siguro.

as i was going around in a department store, i was surprised. may mga naka-display na silang mga christmas decorations for sale. it it sooooooooo unsual for them to do this. most likely, they would first sell holloween decors at october and september will be for the autumn.

as i was checking the displays, nalungkot na naman ako. (sabi ko naman sa'yo soulfly, nakakalungkot ang autumn eh!) i won't be spending christmas alone. my dad is here and probably, i'll be spending again my christmas in berlin. i just miss the philippine christmas. iba kasi ang pasko natin. mas mahaba, mas makulay, mas masaya, mas masarap at mas ramdam.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

Currently feeling: blue

Gabriel. You're most like the ArchAngel of
Communication, in charge of things like
telephones, libraries, internet, and the 411
phone menu. You're organised and are not shy
about inflicting that organisation on others.


Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am 63% evil.




I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

farewell
i was early at the ninoy aquino international airport. i am one of the few passengers of singapore airlines flight no. 71 who arrived early in the morning of september 26, 2003. at that moment, i still can't believe that i'm leaving. i was asking myself why i'm doing this.

after i checke in my luggage, i dragged my feet to pay the passenger service charge and on to the waiting area. i took a seat. i was the only person there yet. the others, perhaps, went arount the airport first.

i only slept a few hours. i wasn't excited. the thought of leaving made me feel wasted.

as i was waiting for us to board the plane. i texted my family and friends. they all wished me luck. i also downloaded ringtones & logo. inubos ko ang load ko tutal hindi ko naman gagamitin ang sim card ko roon. madami rin akong nalibreng text, ringtones at logo. ang saya!

we boarded the plane. pilit ang ngiti ko sa mga flight attendants. tahimik akong umupo at dumungaw sa bintana.

umandar na ang eroplano, dahan-dahang tinungo ang run way at unti-unti itong umangat pataas nang pataas. paliit nang paliit ang mga nakikita ko hanggang sa nasa ibabaw na kami ng pasay.we're on our way to singapore.

off to singapore
ito na ang sinasabi kong "taning" sa mga kaibigan ko. sabi ko kasi sa kanila na pakiramdam ko ay may taning ako habang papalapit ang araw ng pag-alis ko. i really felt like a patient with a fatal illness waiting to die.

i still remember the morning i recieved the letter of approval from the german embassy on sept. 5, 2003. i was watching morning girls when the postman brought the mail.

i took the letter and the clock stopped ticking as soon as i knew that it came from the embassy. i slowly read it and told myself, "this is it..." i put the letter on the table and sat. i quietly sat.

my cousin, sarah,then arrived and i hand over the letter to her. she asked me, "ito na ba...?" she hugged me and cried. i hugged her back and tears began flowing down my cheeks. we've been like sibling that's why we had that drama.

normally, people would be jumping for joy if they recieved a letter from the embassy stating that their visa application has been approved. it was different in my case though. absolutely different.

last three weeks
during my last weeks, i tried to meet all of my friends. i wan tto see all of them so i arranged my schedule.

it's quite hard to say goodbye. i can't answer my friends when i'll be coming back. i want to stay but i must leave.

i wen to the german embassy in makati to get my visa. they asked me when i want to start the validity of it. i can have an earlier date but i opted to delay it. i gave myself three more weeks to prepare.

pinaalaman ko yata lahat ng mga kaibigan ko. nakipag-meet pa 'ko sa mga old friends ko. i even meet my other teachers who have become close to me. my 4th year high school adviser has been like a mother to me. she even calls me bunso.

i also met with my former officemates and spent the afternoon in roxas blvd. staring at the beautiful sunset. mag-emote at mag-senti raw ba?

lastly, my tropa in collge gave me a little despedida party. i remember that we weren't able to start start it because we are watching kris aquino's revelation in tv patrol.

"i'll sure miss my friend", i told my self as i noticed that we are already landing in singapore. three and a half hours have past since i left manila.

stopover in singapore
i only have less than hour stopover so i immediately find my way to the gate where i must check in. the airport is big and it's my first time there but i was able to find my way easily.

my mind is till in manila. i haven't gone half my journey but i already want to go home.

i'm heading a place where i don't want to be. i was just forced to leave. can't help but to blame the "incident" that left me in this decision. the incident that almost took my life, changed me and turned my whole world upside down.

i boarded the plne with a bit of anger in my heart. i was asking myself why it happened.

as flight 326 glide along the clouds, i gaze upon the sky.

the culprit
as i was sitting there, that incident flashbacked my mind...

a week before friday the 13th; june 6, 2003; minalas na'ko. i went to a bank to have some money changed. as i was walking back to the building where i 'm working, a man came from my right and point a gun on my belly and said, "ibigay mo na lang para 'di ka na masaktan." i got scared that i held my bag firmly. another man approached me from my left. inilabas niya ang .45 niya mula sa jacket niya at kinasa 'to. the sound of it ringed in my ears and left me blanked for some seconds that seemed to be an hour.

they took the bag and walked away. i don not know what to do. i can't scream. i can't even utter a word. there are witnesses but noone dared to help.

i approached a witness for help. eating my words, i told him what happened. he doesn't know what to do. actually, noone knows what to do.

i ran to our security guard for help but it was too late. we were left there standing as we watched the two holduppers together with a man aboard a motorcycle fleeing. i asked myself, "what now?"

i felt alone
i went to my supervisor and told him what happened. he was surprised. he also didn't know what to do. i asked him to tell it to our boss but he refused. he is perhaps scared. i felt so weak... so helpless... so alone...

i asked a witness if he can go with me to a police station to file a report. thanks god, he said yes.

we filed the report. it was my first time to be in a police station and it didn't felt nice. there are a lot of negative energy around there that even made me fefl weak, draining me up.

the police have a suspect so they ready their long guns and prepare their vehicle. they asked us, the witness and i, to go with them. i was so scared.

we went to a slum area where the ploice suspect the culprits have gone. we didin't succeed though.i have no idea what they are doing. i don't know where this will lead. i was praying, asking this to end. i was even hoping that this was just a nightmare, but it's not. it's actually happening.

we went backed to work and i learned that my supervisor hasn't informed our boss yet. i pleaded him to inform her. he told me that he's scared 'coz she'll get mad. i told him that our boss knows some police officers that can help us. he was then convinced.

when our boss arrived, the tension in the work place turned more intensely. she asked me what had happened and i told her how it exactly happened. we have been blamed for it especially me. i heards words that hit me so hard, i want to melt. i felt like i am so irresponsible. it even made me blame myself. i felt so dumb and stupid.

tinanggap ko lahat 'yun hindi dahil sa hindi ko kaya o ayaw kong ipaglaban ang sarili ko. pagos na 'ko. ayoko ng mahabang usapan.

our boss called her police-officer-friend. a troup of police came to our place as if they were to stop a coup. the witness and i went with them to file another report and to look at the suspect/wanted photo list.

as i look at my co-workers, i'm asking myself why they're looking at me that way. i'm asking myself if they're thinking that i have something to do with the robbery. i want to tell them that i am absolutely innocent and want to beg them for help.

as we were driving to the main police station, the policemen spotted some men suspected to be in possession of illegal drugs. they got off the car and chased the suspects. they were right indeed.

grabe, kasama namin sa sasakyan ang mga addict. can it get any worse? idinaan muna nila ang mga ito sa isang health center para kunan ng drug test. one of them was able to get away, so they have to chase him. we even heard gunfires. lalo akong nanghina. sa bi ko sa sarili ko, "ano ba 'tong nangyayari?"

they managed to catch the guy. it made me even scared though. they were sitting at our back kasi. baka mamaya may bigla silang gawin sa amin. hindi tuloy ako matigil sa pagdarasal.

luckily, we arrived at the staion unharmed.we filed another police report and looked at the pictures of the possible suspects. we didn't recognize anyone though.

bumalik ako sa trabaho at mainit pa rin ang paligid. sinisi na naman ako. tahimik lang ako. ibinigay ko sa bos namin ang kopya ng blotter at pinauwi na 'ko.

habang pauwi, iniisip ko kung ano'ng dapat kong gawin. naisip kong mangutang dahil sa alam kong pababayaran sa akin 'to. litung-lito talaga ako.

great allies
i asked my two cousins to meet me up later that night. i told them what had happened and asked them if they can accompany to a relative of ours who happens to be filthy rich. they refused because they think i don't have to pay them.

lalo akong nalito. nagpalinga-linga ako hanggang sa nakita ko ang daan patungo sa simbahan. nagpasama ako sa kanila roon para magdasal.

sa labas ng simbahan, nag-usap kaming tatlo. they advised me to seek help. they told me not to solve it myself. i never asked help in solving my problems kasi i believe that i can find solutions myself. my friends run to me for help kaya i know i can withstand it.

i realizde then that an uncle of mine works for a lawyer. it gave me hope. i calld my uncle and asked him if i can meet him that night.

when i told him about it, we immediately went to the lawyer for counsel. fortunately, she's still awake.

i consulted her about my problem and assured me that i should never worry 'coz i'm innocent. she also gave me some pointers on how should i handle it. then, it's all up to me. i have to face it and be courageous.

still a stormy sea
that night, i can hardly sleep. i can see the incident whenever i close my eyes. it made me cry. i kept on asking, "why did it hapüpened to me?; have i done somehing wrong?; what will happen next?"

my sleep was shallow. a single sounds awakes me... frightens me. a motorcycle passed by and it sent the freak out of me.

the next day is even worse. whenever someone looks at me, it shakes me like hell. kinikilabutan ako kapag nakakanti ang naiwang ko. pakiramdam ko, may baril sa tagiliran ko. mula noon, hindi na ako natahimik. i became paranoid. minsan akala ko may nagmamatyag o sumusunod sa'kin. naghinala pa nga akong may nag-tapped ng telefono sa bahay.

few days have passed, my supervisor gave me a letter. ito 'yung iniisip ko. it was a contract between me and the company which states that i am willing to pay them 2/3 of the money held up. it completely shattered me. it made me even wonder more what to do.

my mom learned about it later. unang nakaalam si ate pero one time tumawag si mommy sa'kin asking me if something happened. wala akong sinabi. apparently, hindi na siya makatulog for the past few days. when she knew about it, she cried. naiyak na rin ako. she was so worried kasi mag-isa lang ako sa 'pinas. nasa germany kasi sila noon.

i went to baclaran after three weeks. tears fell on my cheecks when i heard the responsorial psalm. it was; "ang matuwid ay tinutulungan sa lahat ng kagipitan."

light at the end of the tunnel
a greater hope has been given to me. strenght has fallen afresh. with that, i decided to make a novena in baclaran. idinamay ko na rin ang quiapo.

though i studied in a catholic school since kindergarten, i never cinsidered myself a devouted catholic. tama na 'yung nakakapag-simba ako sa linggo.

dahil sa nangyari sa'kin, natuto akong magdasal nang taimtim. sino ba naman ang hindi?

now that my whole family knew about it, it gave me more courage to hang on and fight. laban kung laban.

an aunt from california has advised me to file my resignation since gusto ko nang umalis doon dahil lalo lang akong nahihirapan. i realized that there's no use of staying there and i don't have to fear anything 'coz i'm innocent.

my supervisor doesn't want to accept my resignation. i was even indirectly harrased ang threatened that they might file a case against me. i just didn't mind it.

my uncle has assured me that if ever they sue me in court, in which they can't, we will file counter charges against them. bakit ba naman hindi ako tatapang?

my family has told me to go to germany as soon as this is over. i always refused this idea. i always insisted on staying in the philippines. but with all that had happened, it made me succumb to their pleas.

hindi ko maiwasang mapabuntung-hininga habang iniisip ko ang mga nangyari sa akin habang nakadungaw sa eroplano. nasa ibabaw na kami ng europa, puro ulap ang nakikita ko. madilim at parang walang kasiguraduhan. malabo yata ang haharapin kong buhay.

"i'll be starting anew here."; i told myself. though i want to start over again in the philippines, i yielded to my family's request.

a new start
a year has passed. time flew so fast i almost didn't noticed it. i'm still in the process on rebuilding myself... finding myself.

i have learned a lot from my experience. it has made me see life in a different perspective. i can say it has made me abetter person.

the journey hasn't ended yet.

it has just begun.




post script
after i resigned from work, i started fixing my papers while studying german in manila. i was also waiting if the management is serious about what they told that they will file charges against me.
up to this time, no legal actions has been done proving my innocence. more resignations followed mine.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.